Note: The delay in posting this episode was entirely for dramatic effect and in no way the result of me forgetting about it. So without further ado:
Don't cry, the ASR season 2, episode 8 will cheer you up!
Oh, that's why you were crying? Well, uh, don't cry, the ASR will be finished after this episode!
That's not soon enough? Calm down, it's only twenty minutes long, then it will all be over.
No, just for season 2. We'll be coming back for season 3!
Oh, look, take my handkerchief. Actually, why am I trying to comfort you? You're a tool.
The US government is shut down right now, and it just so happens that this week's episode of the Anti-Social Encyclopaedia is all about the American Revolutionary War. What would the founding fathers think of the USA today? If we could speak to George Washington, what would he have to say?
"President Washington, what do you think about the government shut down?"
"What witchery is this?"
"Do you approve of the US government being shut down merely because of political stalemate between the two major parties?"
"How have you brought me here?"
"Are you for or against the Affordable Care Act?"
"Help! Help! Can anyone tell me what is happening to me?"
Maybe Congress should think on that for a while.
Seriously, we're not. I know usually when someone has to say they're not a racist it probably means they are, but we're not. Really. I mean, think about it, there's not a whole lot I can say at this point to persuade you otherwise, is there? Now that I've said "we're not racists" you're always just going to assume that we are, aren't you?
But we're not.
Really, we're not. I probably shouldn't have said anything in the first place, but I just wanted to make it clear where I stood.
Racism's kind of a 19th Century thing, anyway. Hardly a product of a young, modern generation. Well, true, there was some pretty severe racism in the 20th Century. I'm just saying it's a generational thing and we're much younger than- yeah, okay, there are young racists, but it's not so common- yes, there are modern forms of racism, I'm not denying that. I'm just saying we're not racists.
We're really not racists. Some of my best friends are... no, that never works.
I love mexican food- no, I'm just making it worse now, aren't I? I should shut up.
We're not racists.
An episode about rhymes? Okay, sure...
There once was a sketch podcast
That people said would not last
They were partially right
but just out of spite
This episode defies their forecast.
No, no, no. That's no good.
There is a show made by two guys
One is better, I cannot tell you lies.
With his voice like honey
He is always more funny
He is brilliant at all that he tries
No, that's even worse. How about this one:
You were so different
You came up to me
I gave you my heart
When you looked at me.
I gave you my liver
And then my kidney
I woke in a bathtub
No, that's irrelevant. Doesn't work. One more try.
Rub a dub dub
Thanks for the grub.
This episode description has been censored for reasons of taste.
It's time for another excellent episode of the Anti-Social Review! We must warn you, however, that this otherwise brilliant episode is rather rude. Of course all of the eager fans of the show will be very keen to enjoy it, but this episode is so good that many new fans will be able to appreciate the great comedy. This episode does contain some explicit language, but nothing that an adult can't handle.
As for those other people who don't like the show, they can go listen to another podcast! They are probably not interested in this kind of sketch format anyway, because they have different tastes. Don't expect us to tailor our show to the various expectations of fussy people, as we think they're probably better off just listening to a more polite show! Oh, and by the way, many people used to call Richard Nixon by the abbreviated name dick.
Forget the Australian Election and the Syrian Crisis (if you knew about them in the first place; if not, there's an Australian Election and a crisis in Syria!) the real news today is that there's a new episode of the ASR!
This is an Anti-Social Encyclopaedia special presentation on the Roman Empire. Named for controversial film director Roman Polanski and attempting to gain traction within a market already weary from over-saturation of empires, Rome nonetheless managed to carve itself out a distinctive niche (the Mediterranean).
In this episode we cover all subjects worthy of mention with regard to the Roman Empire, apart from their legions, infrastructure, politics, economy, social life, food, emperors, Hannibal, Augustus, Nero, Caligula, Pompey, Marius, Sulla, Cicero, and... oh, go look at Wikipedia if you want facts.
"Hi! I'm just calling to tell you that the ASR has a new episode of telephone jokes!"
"Yes, that's right!"
"Why are they doing that again?"
"Apparently they had some more ideas that they didn't get to last season."
"Why do they do these jokes at all? All their telephone sketches sound like they were written in the 1980s. They never even mention mobile phones or anything."
"Well, don't you like the fact that the show is a bit of a throwback to classic radio shows and comedy albums?"
"No, I don't. I like contemporary comedians like Russell Brand. He's so controversial and handsome he must be funny."
"...I'm sorry, I think I have the wrong number."
That's right, believe it or not it's Season 2 time and Radio Playtime is Bach! First we'll be playing the Brandenburg Concertos and then the Well-Tempered Clavier...
No, wait! Come back! I'm sorry, I'll be good. It's not all weak puns, there's plenty more of the humour from the first season you know and love.
No, wait! Come back! It's good, seriously! We've got rid of the Sam Shovel sketches for this season, and Grover, and there's far less Crazy Jim, too.
Yes, less. There's still a tiny bit- Come back! Give it a chance!
What's that? Will you have to listen to the first season to understand this one? No, it's a sketch comedy show, it's not like Game of Thrones.
Yes, Game of Thrones is great, I know, but-
Yes Circe is evil, I know, but-
Yes, it was a shame about Ned Stark.
No, I watch it on blu ray so I haven't seen season 3 yet.
The Anti-Social Encyclopaedia presents a special short vodcast on the 34th President of the United States, Dwight D. Eisenhower. This particular piece of archival footage dates back to the 1950's when the Anti-Social Review produced news reels to aid in the education of the public, and the still very relevant and ongoing fight against communism.
France is already out of the tournament. Normally England would be the last country to want to copy France, but it could well do so and make an early exit soon. We speak to two members of England's stereotype team on their thoughts about the situation.